Life Is Precious

Break my heart for what break yours God. My heart breaks for the broken hearted and right now my heart hurts.  I want so badly to help these people hurting. I don’t understand why I’m not being used more. I’m completely available to help and I’m more than willing to be moved by His spirit and into people’s lives to be there for them.

Tonight I have found out a beautiful, fun, friendly, woman who’s the same age as I am, had committed suicide a week ago.  She wasn’t a close friend but I did know her from high school and had hung out with her in group settings before. I remember having a desire to being friends with her though because she was such a relatable and sweet person. Some of my other friends are having a really hard time with this because they were very good friends with her and did not see this coming. I looked at her pictures on her facebook profile, and this sweet smiling girl committing suicide did not make sense. It didn’t add up. But you just never know who’s hurting and how bad. You might never know how you affect someone, bad or good.

I immediately started singing a song I wrote recently, in memory of her. I originally had wrote it with someone else in mind, but it was very relevant to this situation. My parents then arrived home and I asked my dad to play a song he had wrote for my late aunt. The main chorus is directly from the Bible, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.” That song always releases a wave of peace over me.

Back to the song that I wrote recently, the words mean so much to me. Partly because I can really relate to it. There was a point in my life where I had been suicidal before and I have talked to many people who have been as well. It’s such a lonely and extremely dark time. I was never able to quite go through with it, but what if I had become one of the ones that had been successful? What a waste of a life, and that’s how I feel about this young woman. I hope I get the opportunity to share this song to many people because it really is speaking to so many depressed people these days. It’s about leaving behind your life that’s led by you and turning it in for a more happy life led by God. It’s as easy as just running to Jesus because he’ll take you back any day, he’ll take you back TODAY. Life is too short to do any differently. As I was singing this song tears just started to pour out of my eyes onto the guitar. I wish I could have been there for her during her pain. I would give up so much to go back in time to be there for her. To show her how much God had planned for her. To show her all the people that love and care for her. To show her that the devil was trying to attack her, but that God is so much more powerful and so very present. I can’t do this for her anymore though. She is with the Lord. I will be given other opportunities with other people I'm sure.

This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard: A man that went to the same church I grew up in, had lost his brother due to suicide. There were a lot of very hard circumstances surrounding this situation. During his brother’s memorial service, he played on his guitar and sung “Blessed Be Your Name”. He was praising God during his brother’s memorial service! This is the epitome of faith and love to me, God’s children praising their Father in the midst of a storm. In the event of a huge storm that will inevitably come my way, I pray that I will be able to do that too.

Life is so fragile. I’ve always been so aware of that, but as time goes on, I’m more and more sensitive to that fact. Sometimes I read stories in the newspaper about people’s loss and hardships that brings tears to my eyes. Other times like tonight I found out news like this and can’t help but crying.  This all just makes me want to make the most of the relationships I am involved in. I don’t have control over most of what happens in this life, but I do have the ability to affect the relationships I am in right now. This is why I pray every single time before I hang out with someone, that I use it to glorify God and be a light to them in some way. It's so important to know and truly understand that death is not the end though. There is a time and purpose to everything and thankfully God is the one in control.

Do Your Will

It’s so crazy how much can change at the last minute. One minute I’m sitting on the couch with a swelled up ankle wondering when life was going to get exciting again after all this quiet time at home. Then the next minute after a fairly brief phone conversation I’m planning on leaving for Florida in two weeks for at least a year. That’s right, I am off on another aupair adventure, only this time it’s just across the U.S., not across the world. This similar kind of situation of just picking up and leaving happened with both of the families I was a nanny for in Morocco and Canada. Once I get to know these families over skype and e-mails, and I have that confirmation feeling from God, nothing is holding me back. This time was very easy to agree to come on short notice because I’ve had a good feeling about this family for a while and I see a lot of growth for myself spiritually in Florida this next year. This was so much to process today in that short amount of time though. I immediately had these butterflies in my stomach from all the excitement while also having a heavy heart. When I started to think about all that I will be missing I started to feel a little sad. Two weeks isn’t much time to say my goodbyes and do everything  I wanted to do here before I leave. I feel like I just got here. It hasn’t been that long since I’ve finally been fully unpacked. There are things I won’t get to do. There are places I won’t get to see (sorry South Sister, you’ll have to wait until next summer). More devastating, there are people I won’t be able to see before I leave. I have faith though that if I put as much effort as I can in these next two weeks, that I will be fully packed up again in no time, all the errands I need to take care of will be done, and that I will see every person I am suppose to see.

Tonight after church, I went up to one of the pastors and had a conversation about hearing God’s voice. It came at perfect timing. He told me what has helped him and the next paragraph is basically me paraphrasing what he told me. It’s a good reminder for myself and maybe others will find it helpful as well. We think that God always wants us to hit right on the bulls eye when we are trying to figure out what He wants from us. Most of the time He’s okay with us hitting a nearby target, and he’ll get us to where He wants regardless. Hearing God isn’t so mystical and mysterious as people make it out to be. His voice sounds a lot like our voice, after all He’s given us his Holy spirit that lives within us. You’ll know it’s from him if you have peace about it, even in the midst of crazy circumstances.  It will also be supported by the Bible. If you share it with other Godly people who you’re close too, there shouldn’t be any red flags that go off to them. When it comes to prophesies we have for people, he gave an interesting analogy. We are like Fed Ex workers. We have a package to deliver and it’s our job to figure who it goes too. We don’t know what’s inside the package or what it will mean to them. We may occasionally get the wrong address, but we should be willing to keep trying. We have to put ourselves out there and risk willing to be wrong. In doing that we learn to trust God and to understand his voice even better. For all the wrong addresses we deliver to, it makes it all worth it when we get it right.

I know that I'm willing to look like a fool in order to get it right. How far are you willing to go in order to affect a person's life by following that Godly voice inside you?

Take A Hike

I am currently writing this blog with seemingly ideal circumstances. I’m relaxing on the couch watching The Office while my stepmom graciously serves me a large glass of pinot noir and dark chocolate.  My dad gets me a big bucket of ice cold water. The catch is that it’s to soak my left foot in. I’ve rarely had any injuries in my life despite being involved in one of the most dangerous sports (cheerleading). Today though, I’ve sprained my ankle and it’s swelled up to an unrecognizable size.

I have been on four short hikes today. They were all unique, beautiful and some great time enjoying God’s creation. It was great practice for climbing South Sister later this summer. I have always loved exploring and being adventurous, but I have found a new passion for hiking like never before.

There was one particular location that was mentioned in the newspaper yesterday that my family and I hiked. It’s a little past Shotgun Creek and it had the most amazing view of tons of trees and hills. No indication of civilization. On the way down we were running late for a church volunteer appreciation picnic so my stepbrother, dad, and I started running down the trail. There were tons of trees in the way of the trail so we started jumping over the trees as if we were jumping over hurdles. I guess I was getting so into it that I started being over ambitious about my jumps because on one very high jump I landed right on the side of my foot. I heard a crack and I’m still not sure if that was my ankle or a branch I landed on. I was in so much pain I couldn’t talk for awhile to tell anyone what had happened. My eyes were uncontrollably watering because of the pain. I ended up getting right back up though and hobbling my way back to the car. It wasn’t until later when the pain and swelling started setting in and getting worse.

We arrived at the church picnic and I was trying my best to be joyful despite the pain. Yesterday evening was the first service I have attended at my home church in a long time since I had been traveling for the last 8 months. Last night was an amazing service of excellent music and healings of all kinds. The fire that was lit inside me was ten times stronger than usual. I really feel like that is the new normal for me now. I have so much to be hopeful and thankful for. It also really helped that I don’t have any strong holds in my life and I’m trying my best to run from sin.

It’s been so great to see so many people that I’ve grown up around and reconnect with people that I usually would have been shy around. I have felt like sometimes my shyness has been misread and come across as unfriendly, but in reality one of my biggest passions is getting to know and connecting with people. God has lately placed a fearlessness within me that doesn’t care about judgement or even physical pain for that matter. The real me is shining through and people are taking notice. More important, God is taking notice. Thank you God for this time in my hometown to be around these wonderful people. Your plans and timing is perfect.

I Will Follow You

This is a different subject then I have talked about in past blogs and most likely something I won’t be talking about quite in this way in the future either. It’s definitely on my mind lately, so I will be talking about it tonight regardless.

My dad just pointed out that I’ve been talking a lot with a guy friend of mine very lately. I agreed and asked “Do you think that’s a bad thing?” And he responded, “Well I just don’t want you to end up broken hearted.” I respect his opinion but wasn’t completely convinced. After all I don’t feel like I’m in any situation to end up being broken hearted (disappointed and confused yes). But not long after, those words really started to sink in. I started to get really scared. My dad has seen firsthand the heartache I’ve had from different people in my life as he has been there for me a great deal. Some of that heartache I couldn’t help since it came from outside sources but some of that heartache could have been prevented if I hadn’t got myself in the situations.  Either way, I am really scared to ever feel heart break caused by a human again, it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced. I actually don’t want to get really close to someone unless I know that they won’t break my heart. I know it doesn’t work that way, but I would hate to put so much into someone and then to just have someone basically give up on me again. I’m tempted to ask people what their track record of breaking hearts are before I get into any type of relationship with them. Then again, if that were the case then I shouldn’t ever get married or even have any friends for that matter. I am aware that I will only ever feel complete perfect love from one source. I also feel that God wants to bless me with a very special “other half” someday. I usually struggle with “Who” but now it’s “When” and is that someday soon?  And what does soon mean exactly? God’s timing is so hard to understand. It’s always the best of course. “It’s never too soon, never too late.” – A lady from church talking about His timing in reference to my future husband.  If it’s best then why is it so hard to follow?  I currently feel like he’s telling me to do something that will be extremely hard to do. Mainly because it’s not something I want to do. This specific situation in which I am referring too may not ever be brought back up again when I surrender it to Him. In order to preserve the freshness and newness of a relationship, I have to put it on the back shelf and store it away. Only God knows for how long, and if it’s ever meant to be opened back up again. This is going to be an excellent test of waiting for me.  I have this feeling that there’s this divine plan going on behind the scenes and it’s too precious to let human hands on it right now. I certainly don’t want to be the one to stand in the way of a masterpiece. I can’t help but think that I am starting to do that though. I need to get out of the way, learn to follow while trusting, and let the Creator keep on creating.

Very interestingly enough, I just happened to randomly click on a link and it happened to be for a song called “Surrender”. I couldn’t have asked for better timing on that one. Oh yeah, that’s because God’s timing is ALWAYS right! Even when us humans try to mess it up, He always gets His way in the end. The song is really convicting me, I really DO need to surrender all to Him. I need to look at the big picture. What is it that I ultimately want in this life? Momentary empty “satisfactions” or eternal fulfilling joy? Now I wasn’t talking about this relationship with my friend when I said empty satisfactions, because it’s quite the opposite. I just mean that everything that we pursue in this lifetime will never compare to the most important thing we will ever experience, our relationship with our Father. Unfortunately He’s not so easy to choose when we are constantly fighting a battle against spirit and flesh. This war is constant and very real. Action against this war needs to be taken daily. There really is no reason for me to be scared or confused. Light always conquers dark and He always gets his way in the end. May this confusion be put to rest as I will ultimately be supremely happy whatever that outcome of life may be.

Physically weak, Spiritually strong

Tonight while I had been writing back to families from all over the world, who are interested in me being their nanny, I am reminded of a particular family I was talking too recently. After my time was up in Canada I had planned on going to Greece to be a nanny for a family for the summer time. I couldn’t remember why I stopped pursing the family and talking to them, just that I stopped very suddenly. I really wanted it to work out, I just really felt it wasn’t the right next step for me.  I remember just really feeling like I was suppose too go home. Now fast forward a few months later, here I am, not even sure what I should be doing at home, and I can’t even step outside without a major grass allergy attack (even though I am on medications). I have been actually planning on writing a much longer blog, but haven’t been able too the last couple of nights. I don’t just have allergies where I occasionally sneeze. I’m talking about the kind of allergies where you can barely get anything accomplished in a day because you basically feel sick all day. My eyes are so watery and itchy I can barely see out of them and my nose hasn’t taken a break from running all day. This all started up again once I arrived back here in “Death Valley” where people who don’t even usually have allergies to trees or grass, have them here. So besides that set back and the toll it’s taken for me to be productive throughout my day, I just don’t see how I’ve grown yet from being back here. It’s nice to see that this stronger person that had developed while traveling is still very much present and permanent, even when put back into normal day life and used-to-be-temptations. I just have to trust that even though I am still unsure of what that reason is I am here for a couple months, it will be like every other place I have been in. There always ends up being a clear reason why I was there. I just pray more than anything that God uses me to bless people while I am here. Then I can rest assured that these few months weren’t wasted.

Unstoppable

I am in physical pain but on top of the world! To quickly shed light on why I’m in pain, I got a dermal piercing re-pierced after it had come out. According to other people who have this piercing as well as many other body piercings and tattoos, this is the worst piercings you can get and I’ve got it done twice now within a four month period. The things people will go through for “beauty”. It never ceases to amaze me even though I am one of the crazies.

Back to what this blog is really about, which is pretty much like a diary entry, only I decided to post it online instead of writing it down in my journal. I always leave Wednesday night church feeling so empowered. I literally feel like I can conquer anything and actually truly believe that. I always leave being able to feel God’s presence so heavily that the car ride home becomes “Jesus take the wheel” because I’m in my own dream land with God.

I’m not going to get into it too much as I didn’t do this to brag about in any way but basically I really felt like God telling me to give a gift of money to a woman at church who has a heart for missionary work. She told me last week that she felt called to go to Thailand but the only thing stopping her was finances. With finances being tight for me as well I wasn’t sure that I was the person that could help her. Later on in the evening though, this strong urge to want to help her out came into my mind and just could not be ignored. I needed to do something to encourage this lady and get her started on this calling of hers. After the bible study tonight, I said that I had an announcement and began to share this lady’s story and also to encourage others to give to her as well. If they give to her, they are actually giving to many, as this lady is going to have a huge impact on the women of Thailand, I just know it. I wouldn’t have done this if God hadn’t told me too, but he did. I’m so glad that he did too because I did not expect this lady to start crying as it had touched her more than I will ever know.

Afterwards the pastor (a man I truly look up to and have grown a deep grandfather-like love for) told me that my gift of boldness and the way I take initiative are great things that can be learned from everyone. He also said something along the lines of that it takes an American to come along and show laid-back-Canadians how to just go out and take the initiative and make things happen. As I was walking away he said some words that I could never forget, “THAT’S the kind of thing a preacher does!” What an encouragement this man has been in my life! I can’t believe I only have one more Sunday and one more Wednesday left with these people, and only one more week left with the family I am staying here with. It’s going to be so hard to say goodbye, I try not to think about it too much and just try to enjoy every moment I have left with all these wonderful souls I’ve connected with. I hope and pray that our paths meet again as it is a small world after all.

Despite me talking about just some of the encouragement I’ve received from people lately (because I don’t ever want to forget what God has in store for me), the main thing I took away from tonight is what the ultimate topic of what the pastor was talking about: the importance of prayer. If every single day we devoted a concrete time to get down on our knees and not only pray but cry out to God for a person to come to Him, then people’s life WOULD start changing. It is without a doubt the best thing we can ever do in regards to people’s salvation. I was reminded of how true that is when I realized one of the main reasons why I have been doing so well lately, people have been praying for me! One incredible man has even recently told me God led him to pray that he would carry my burdens. While he’s been having an extra hard time, I have been overcome with unexplainable joy. Even though that makes me feel a bit bad, it proves what incredible power prayer has! I hate to admit it but my prayer life is lacking quite a bit. I need to be constantly in conversation with God throughout the day while also setting aside time that I might usually be watching t.v. or facebooking, and devote it to prayer. I need to do this until I see the people I’m praying for fall to their knees in realization of the love their Father has for them.

New Life

I just did something earlier today that gave me the most interesting feeling. It left me feeling very vulnerable and yet relieved that I finally did it. I never thought I would feel this way after doing this. But it was so good for me. I just gave my testimony for the first time. I was invited to give my testimony by the pastor of a small community church called New Life here in Petawawa Canada. I was accompanied by the family that I nanny for (the mom and the two boys). It was a treat to have my two families I’ve made in Canada collide. Besides the little bit of butterflies I always get before public speaking (mainly my experience comes from my acting classes), I wasn’t nervous about the speaking part. I was nervous about the sharing part. I had a few note cards for references of the timeline of my life but for the most part I winged it (not what I originally wanted to do but I had faith God would tell me what to share). I began by letting people know that this is the first time I have ever shared my testimony and that I was about to tell them things that people close to me in my own life don’t even know. I knew that talking about my past would probably be a little emotional because I can’t even believe some of the pain I’ve been through and how different of a person I feel like now, but I did not expect to get a little choked up while speaking. I especially felt the tears in my eyes while the pastor was speaking about the potential he saw for my future, immediately following my testimony. I do not like to cry, especially not in front of others. I find at church though I am just an absolute cry baby. It used to be because of how guilty and ashamed I felt about the lifestyle I was living, but now it is because of the undeniable love and mercy God has for us. When I feel God’s presence, it’s hard not to cry because of His overwhelming power and holiness.

The interesting thing about this all is that I don’t think the pastor realized when he asked me to share my testimony, that a big part of my new life I now live, had a lot to do with coming to this particular church. As I looked in the audience towards the faces of the people who have took me in and spoke into my life, and even just greeted me week after week with a sincere hug, I told them how much they have had an impact on me. I was glad I got to express my gratitude towards these wonderfully kind people.

My favorite part through this experience was afterwards when people came up to me. They gave me encouragement to keep going forward and that things will only keep getting better and better from here. They related to me, one man even told me that our testimonies sounded almost identical. As the pastor hugged me while we were still on stage, he prophesied over me that I would do great things as a pastor/ evangelist/prophet and that I had this strong sense of fearlessness. Coming from having a lot of fears, I definitely agree that God has helped me to become fearless because now I can say I don’t really have that many fears. Which is how God’s children should live.

I thanked the pastor for the opportunity to share because I received so much encouragement, and this is actually a bigger step towards my future than most would realize. Wanting to become a speaker at churches, this is a small stepping stone into doing that.

I started off my first blog entry talking about becoming a more open person and sharing my past. That’s exactly what I have started doing, and it feels great. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My spirit feels free and there is no part of me that feels trapped from my past. I am no longer my past. I am not that person. I have declared it over myself, others have declared that over me, and most importantly God has declared that I am a new person. I feel like it’s so important that I can talk about my past now because now I can separate the person I’ve been to the person I am now. I went from pretty much no one knowing about my past, to sharing my life, sins and all, to a church of some good friends but mostly acquaintances and strangers. I am hesitant to post it on here though, as I would rather sit and share it in person. The next step is to share my testimony to first of all, my family. Then comes sharing with it my friends. Most importantly, I am going to have the opportunity to share it with many more people, believers and non-believers, who will be able to relate and hopefully be impacted by it.

Finally

Okay so here I go. I am writing and actually posting a blog. I don't even know how long I've wanted to do this. For at least a few years now. The same thing has always kept me back; Judgement. For the most part I like to be a private person and I keep my secrets and past, well, in the past. I like to keep a lot of aspects of my life to myself and only share bits and pieces with whom I choose. It's a problem really. And I was not aware it was a problem until very recently. I was out with a couple ladies I met at a small church in Petawawa Canada. We were coming back from a day trip in Ottawa. I was trying to soak up as much wisdom as possible especially since I knew this one lady was very good at reading people. I felt courageous enough to ask her to analyze me and basically point out my flaws. I was expecting something really bad because I can see my flaws very easily. Instead I got something along the lines of that something didn't add up with me. I seemed so outgoing but yet so secretive at the same time. It was then that my trust issues were revealed to me. She was saying it's not like I need to publicize my whole life and tell everyone my secrets but I need to find a trusted one or few to tell EVERYTHING too. Not just the bits and pieces I choose to tell different people. I would say I am pretty open with my parents and I would say that my dad knows what kind of person I am more than anyone else. However there are details about my past that I would say are not necessarily appropriate to share with my parents (although I think that they would disagree). I've only been so open to one person before. I was let down hugely in the end and my trust with most people was broken. I can't say it was all this person's fault as I was probably not meant to confide in him the way I did. I do have a history of being let down by people close to me and in return, I tend to do the same. I have felt horrible heartache from people who I trusted and loved. I have also tremendously hurt people close to me but I have learned from every experience so that doesn't happen again. I really need to realize that just because some people have let me down in that way does not mean all people will break my trust. One reason it's so hard to come clean is the fact that I am still very ashamed of the person I've been. I also do not like to be vulnerable. But I do believe that God is leading the right people into my life who I am suppose to confide in and possibly confide in some people I already know who I've been afraid to be open with before.

So back to this blog, another reason I have kept back from writing a public blog earlier is because I think people are too open about their life online and don't know how to be modest. Some people will share their most personal thoughts and it seems like it is just for the attention. I usually would only want to share with people who I can trust and WANT to hear. Although now I am becoming more open and honest about my life. I am owning up to my sins and I'm not afraid to share what I've had struggles with. The reason is because I believe that people can benefit from my mistakes. I can share what I've learned and give encouragement because I have most likely been there. One of my biggest passions in life is helping the broken hearted because I have a long history of emptiness, darkness, and loneliness.

 I am so sick of pretending to be something I'm not. I am okay with sharing my failures because it's a part of my past that has been a stepping stone into the stronger person I am today. There are few people on this earth who know what kind of person I truly am and currently there is no one on this earth who knows everything about me. This is going to start changing as God leads me to use wisdom as what to share to who. If you are reading this blog, I don't want this to be an excuse to getting to know me as there are a lot of things about me you could never learn from reading this online blog. I want people to still take the time and effort to understand and know me if they choose too. If you want to get a glimpse into a soul that is destined to live for the Lord, then I'd be more than happy to have you follow me on here as we go through the journey of life.