This is a different subject then I have talked about in past blogs and most likely something I won’t be talking about quite in this way in the future either. It’s definitely on my mind lately, so I will be talking about it tonight regardless.
My dad just pointed out that I’ve been talking a lot with a guy friend of mine very lately. I agreed and asked “Do you think that’s a bad thing?” And he responded, “Well I just don’t want you to end up broken hearted.” I respect his opinion but wasn’t completely convinced. After all I don’t feel like I’m in any situation to end up being broken hearted (disappointed and confused yes). But not long after, those words really started to sink in. I started to get really scared. My dad has seen firsthand the heartache I’ve had from different people in my life as he has been there for me a great deal. Some of that heartache I couldn’t help since it came from outside sources but some of that heartache could have been prevented if I hadn’t got myself in the situations. Either way, I am really scared to ever feel heart break caused by a human again, it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced. I actually don’t want to get really close to someone unless I know that they won’t break my heart. I know it doesn’t work that way, but I would hate to put so much into someone and then to just have someone basically give up on me again. I’m tempted to ask people what their track record of breaking hearts are before I get into any type of relationship with them. Then again, if that were the case then I shouldn’t ever get married or even have any friends for that matter. I am aware that I will only ever feel complete perfect love from one source. I also feel that God wants to bless me with a very special “other half” someday. I usually struggle with “Who” but now it’s “When” and is that someday soon? And what does soon mean exactly? God’s timing is so hard to understand. It’s always the best of course. “It’s never too soon, never too late.” – A lady from church talking about His timing in reference to my future husband. If it’s best then why is it so hard to follow? I currently feel like he’s telling me to do something that will be extremely hard to do. Mainly because it’s not something I want to do. This specific situation in which I am referring too may not ever be brought back up again when I surrender it to Him. In order to preserve the freshness and newness of a relationship, I have to put it on the back shelf and store it away. Only God knows for how long, and if it’s ever meant to be opened back up again. This is going to be an excellent test of waiting for me. I have this feeling that there’s this divine plan going on behind the scenes and it’s too precious to let human hands on it right now. I certainly don’t want to be the one to stand in the way of a masterpiece. I can’t help but think that I am starting to do that though. I need to get out of the way, learn to follow while trusting, and let the Creator keep on creating.
Very interestingly enough, I just happened to randomly click on a link and it happened to be for a song called “Surrender”. I couldn’t have asked for better timing on that one. Oh yeah, that’s because God’s timing is ALWAYS right! Even when us humans try to mess it up, He always gets His way in the end. The song is really convicting me, I really DO need to surrender all to Him. I need to look at the big picture. What is it that I ultimately want in this life? Momentary empty “satisfactions” or eternal fulfilling joy? Now I wasn’t talking about this relationship with my friend when I said empty satisfactions, because it’s quite the opposite. I just mean that everything that we pursue in this lifetime will never compare to the most important thing we will ever experience, our relationship with our Father. Unfortunately He’s not so easy to choose when we are constantly fighting a battle against spirit and flesh. This war is constant and very real. Action against this war needs to be taken daily. There really is no reason for me to be scared or confused. Light always conquers dark and He always gets his way in the end. May this confusion be put to rest as I will ultimately be supremely happy whatever that outcome of life may be.
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