Life Is Precious

Break my heart for what break yours God. My heart breaks for the broken hearted and right now my heart hurts.  I want so badly to help these people hurting. I don’t understand why I’m not being used more. I’m completely available to help and I’m more than willing to be moved by His spirit and into people’s lives to be there for them.

Tonight I have found out a beautiful, fun, friendly, woman who’s the same age as I am, had committed suicide a week ago.  She wasn’t a close friend but I did know her from high school and had hung out with her in group settings before. I remember having a desire to being friends with her though because she was such a relatable and sweet person. Some of my other friends are having a really hard time with this because they were very good friends with her and did not see this coming. I looked at her pictures on her facebook profile, and this sweet smiling girl committing suicide did not make sense. It didn’t add up. But you just never know who’s hurting and how bad. You might never know how you affect someone, bad or good.

I immediately started singing a song I wrote recently, in memory of her. I originally had wrote it with someone else in mind, but it was very relevant to this situation. My parents then arrived home and I asked my dad to play a song he had wrote for my late aunt. The main chorus is directly from the Bible, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.” That song always releases a wave of peace over me.

Back to the song that I wrote recently, the words mean so much to me. Partly because I can really relate to it. There was a point in my life where I had been suicidal before and I have talked to many people who have been as well. It’s such a lonely and extremely dark time. I was never able to quite go through with it, but what if I had become one of the ones that had been successful? What a waste of a life, and that’s how I feel about this young woman. I hope I get the opportunity to share this song to many people because it really is speaking to so many depressed people these days. It’s about leaving behind your life that’s led by you and turning it in for a more happy life led by God. It’s as easy as just running to Jesus because he’ll take you back any day, he’ll take you back TODAY. Life is too short to do any differently. As I was singing this song tears just started to pour out of my eyes onto the guitar. I wish I could have been there for her during her pain. I would give up so much to go back in time to be there for her. To show her how much God had planned for her. To show her all the people that love and care for her. To show her that the devil was trying to attack her, but that God is so much more powerful and so very present. I can’t do this for her anymore though. She is with the Lord. I will be given other opportunities with other people I'm sure.

This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard: A man that went to the same church I grew up in, had lost his brother due to suicide. There were a lot of very hard circumstances surrounding this situation. During his brother’s memorial service, he played on his guitar and sung “Blessed Be Your Name”. He was praising God during his brother’s memorial service! This is the epitome of faith and love to me, God’s children praising their Father in the midst of a storm. In the event of a huge storm that will inevitably come my way, I pray that I will be able to do that too.

Life is so fragile. I’ve always been so aware of that, but as time goes on, I’m more and more sensitive to that fact. Sometimes I read stories in the newspaper about people’s loss and hardships that brings tears to my eyes. Other times like tonight I found out news like this and can’t help but crying.  This all just makes me want to make the most of the relationships I am involved in. I don’t have control over most of what happens in this life, but I do have the ability to affect the relationships I am in right now. This is why I pray every single time before I hang out with someone, that I use it to glorify God and be a light to them in some way. It's so important to know and truly understand that death is not the end though. There is a time and purpose to everything and thankfully God is the one in control.

Do Your Will

It’s so crazy how much can change at the last minute. One minute I’m sitting on the couch with a swelled up ankle wondering when life was going to get exciting again after all this quiet time at home. Then the next minute after a fairly brief phone conversation I’m planning on leaving for Florida in two weeks for at least a year. That’s right, I am off on another aupair adventure, only this time it’s just across the U.S., not across the world. This similar kind of situation of just picking up and leaving happened with both of the families I was a nanny for in Morocco and Canada. Once I get to know these families over skype and e-mails, and I have that confirmation feeling from God, nothing is holding me back. This time was very easy to agree to come on short notice because I’ve had a good feeling about this family for a while and I see a lot of growth for myself spiritually in Florida this next year. This was so much to process today in that short amount of time though. I immediately had these butterflies in my stomach from all the excitement while also having a heavy heart. When I started to think about all that I will be missing I started to feel a little sad. Two weeks isn’t much time to say my goodbyes and do everything  I wanted to do here before I leave. I feel like I just got here. It hasn’t been that long since I’ve finally been fully unpacked. There are things I won’t get to do. There are places I won’t get to see (sorry South Sister, you’ll have to wait until next summer). More devastating, there are people I won’t be able to see before I leave. I have faith though that if I put as much effort as I can in these next two weeks, that I will be fully packed up again in no time, all the errands I need to take care of will be done, and that I will see every person I am suppose to see.

Tonight after church, I went up to one of the pastors and had a conversation about hearing God’s voice. It came at perfect timing. He told me what has helped him and the next paragraph is basically me paraphrasing what he told me. It’s a good reminder for myself and maybe others will find it helpful as well. We think that God always wants us to hit right on the bulls eye when we are trying to figure out what He wants from us. Most of the time He’s okay with us hitting a nearby target, and he’ll get us to where He wants regardless. Hearing God isn’t so mystical and mysterious as people make it out to be. His voice sounds a lot like our voice, after all He’s given us his Holy spirit that lives within us. You’ll know it’s from him if you have peace about it, even in the midst of crazy circumstances.  It will also be supported by the Bible. If you share it with other Godly people who you’re close too, there shouldn’t be any red flags that go off to them. When it comes to prophesies we have for people, he gave an interesting analogy. We are like Fed Ex workers. We have a package to deliver and it’s our job to figure who it goes too. We don’t know what’s inside the package or what it will mean to them. We may occasionally get the wrong address, but we should be willing to keep trying. We have to put ourselves out there and risk willing to be wrong. In doing that we learn to trust God and to understand his voice even better. For all the wrong addresses we deliver to, it makes it all worth it when we get it right.

I know that I'm willing to look like a fool in order to get it right. How far are you willing to go in order to affect a person's life by following that Godly voice inside you?

Take A Hike

I am currently writing this blog with seemingly ideal circumstances. I’m relaxing on the couch watching The Office while my stepmom graciously serves me a large glass of pinot noir and dark chocolate.  My dad gets me a big bucket of ice cold water. The catch is that it’s to soak my left foot in. I’ve rarely had any injuries in my life despite being involved in one of the most dangerous sports (cheerleading). Today though, I’ve sprained my ankle and it’s swelled up to an unrecognizable size.

I have been on four short hikes today. They were all unique, beautiful and some great time enjoying God’s creation. It was great practice for climbing South Sister later this summer. I have always loved exploring and being adventurous, but I have found a new passion for hiking like never before.

There was one particular location that was mentioned in the newspaper yesterday that my family and I hiked. It’s a little past Shotgun Creek and it had the most amazing view of tons of trees and hills. No indication of civilization. On the way down we were running late for a church volunteer appreciation picnic so my stepbrother, dad, and I started running down the trail. There were tons of trees in the way of the trail so we started jumping over the trees as if we were jumping over hurdles. I guess I was getting so into it that I started being over ambitious about my jumps because on one very high jump I landed right on the side of my foot. I heard a crack and I’m still not sure if that was my ankle or a branch I landed on. I was in so much pain I couldn’t talk for awhile to tell anyone what had happened. My eyes were uncontrollably watering because of the pain. I ended up getting right back up though and hobbling my way back to the car. It wasn’t until later when the pain and swelling started setting in and getting worse.

We arrived at the church picnic and I was trying my best to be joyful despite the pain. Yesterday evening was the first service I have attended at my home church in a long time since I had been traveling for the last 8 months. Last night was an amazing service of excellent music and healings of all kinds. The fire that was lit inside me was ten times stronger than usual. I really feel like that is the new normal for me now. I have so much to be hopeful and thankful for. It also really helped that I don’t have any strong holds in my life and I’m trying my best to run from sin.

It’s been so great to see so many people that I’ve grown up around and reconnect with people that I usually would have been shy around. I have felt like sometimes my shyness has been misread and come across as unfriendly, but in reality one of my biggest passions is getting to know and connecting with people. God has lately placed a fearlessness within me that doesn’t care about judgement or even physical pain for that matter. The real me is shining through and people are taking notice. More important, God is taking notice. Thank you God for this time in my hometown to be around these wonderful people. Your plans and timing is perfect.