I Will Follow You

This is a different subject then I have talked about in past blogs and most likely something I won’t be talking about quite in this way in the future either. It’s definitely on my mind lately, so I will be talking about it tonight regardless.

My dad just pointed out that I’ve been talking a lot with a guy friend of mine very lately. I agreed and asked “Do you think that’s a bad thing?” And he responded, “Well I just don’t want you to end up broken hearted.” I respect his opinion but wasn’t completely convinced. After all I don’t feel like I’m in any situation to end up being broken hearted (disappointed and confused yes). But not long after, those words really started to sink in. I started to get really scared. My dad has seen firsthand the heartache I’ve had from different people in my life as he has been there for me a great deal. Some of that heartache I couldn’t help since it came from outside sources but some of that heartache could have been prevented if I hadn’t got myself in the situations.  Either way, I am really scared to ever feel heart break caused by a human again, it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced. I actually don’t want to get really close to someone unless I know that they won’t break my heart. I know it doesn’t work that way, but I would hate to put so much into someone and then to just have someone basically give up on me again. I’m tempted to ask people what their track record of breaking hearts are before I get into any type of relationship with them. Then again, if that were the case then I shouldn’t ever get married or even have any friends for that matter. I am aware that I will only ever feel complete perfect love from one source. I also feel that God wants to bless me with a very special “other half” someday. I usually struggle with “Who” but now it’s “When” and is that someday soon?  And what does soon mean exactly? God’s timing is so hard to understand. It’s always the best of course. “It’s never too soon, never too late.” – A lady from church talking about His timing in reference to my future husband.  If it’s best then why is it so hard to follow?  I currently feel like he’s telling me to do something that will be extremely hard to do. Mainly because it’s not something I want to do. This specific situation in which I am referring too may not ever be brought back up again when I surrender it to Him. In order to preserve the freshness and newness of a relationship, I have to put it on the back shelf and store it away. Only God knows for how long, and if it’s ever meant to be opened back up again. This is going to be an excellent test of waiting for me.  I have this feeling that there’s this divine plan going on behind the scenes and it’s too precious to let human hands on it right now. I certainly don’t want to be the one to stand in the way of a masterpiece. I can’t help but think that I am starting to do that though. I need to get out of the way, learn to follow while trusting, and let the Creator keep on creating.

Very interestingly enough, I just happened to randomly click on a link and it happened to be for a song called “Surrender”. I couldn’t have asked for better timing on that one. Oh yeah, that’s because God’s timing is ALWAYS right! Even when us humans try to mess it up, He always gets His way in the end. The song is really convicting me, I really DO need to surrender all to Him. I need to look at the big picture. What is it that I ultimately want in this life? Momentary empty “satisfactions” or eternal fulfilling joy? Now I wasn’t talking about this relationship with my friend when I said empty satisfactions, because it’s quite the opposite. I just mean that everything that we pursue in this lifetime will never compare to the most important thing we will ever experience, our relationship with our Father. Unfortunately He’s not so easy to choose when we are constantly fighting a battle against spirit and flesh. This war is constant and very real. Action against this war needs to be taken daily. There really is no reason for me to be scared or confused. Light always conquers dark and He always gets his way in the end. May this confusion be put to rest as I will ultimately be supremely happy whatever that outcome of life may be.

Physically weak, Spiritually strong

Tonight while I had been writing back to families from all over the world, who are interested in me being their nanny, I am reminded of a particular family I was talking too recently. After my time was up in Canada I had planned on going to Greece to be a nanny for a family for the summer time. I couldn’t remember why I stopped pursing the family and talking to them, just that I stopped very suddenly. I really wanted it to work out, I just really felt it wasn’t the right next step for me.  I remember just really feeling like I was suppose too go home. Now fast forward a few months later, here I am, not even sure what I should be doing at home, and I can’t even step outside without a major grass allergy attack (even though I am on medications). I have been actually planning on writing a much longer blog, but haven’t been able too the last couple of nights. I don’t just have allergies where I occasionally sneeze. I’m talking about the kind of allergies where you can barely get anything accomplished in a day because you basically feel sick all day. My eyes are so watery and itchy I can barely see out of them and my nose hasn’t taken a break from running all day. This all started up again once I arrived back here in “Death Valley” where people who don’t even usually have allergies to trees or grass, have them here. So besides that set back and the toll it’s taken for me to be productive throughout my day, I just don’t see how I’ve grown yet from being back here. It’s nice to see that this stronger person that had developed while traveling is still very much present and permanent, even when put back into normal day life and used-to-be-temptations. I just have to trust that even though I am still unsure of what that reason is I am here for a couple months, it will be like every other place I have been in. There always ends up being a clear reason why I was there. I just pray more than anything that God uses me to bless people while I am here. Then I can rest assured that these few months weren’t wasted.

Unstoppable

I am in physical pain but on top of the world! To quickly shed light on why I’m in pain, I got a dermal piercing re-pierced after it had come out. According to other people who have this piercing as well as many other body piercings and tattoos, this is the worst piercings you can get and I’ve got it done twice now within a four month period. The things people will go through for “beauty”. It never ceases to amaze me even though I am one of the crazies.

Back to what this blog is really about, which is pretty much like a diary entry, only I decided to post it online instead of writing it down in my journal. I always leave Wednesday night church feeling so empowered. I literally feel like I can conquer anything and actually truly believe that. I always leave being able to feel God’s presence so heavily that the car ride home becomes “Jesus take the wheel” because I’m in my own dream land with God.

I’m not going to get into it too much as I didn’t do this to brag about in any way but basically I really felt like God telling me to give a gift of money to a woman at church who has a heart for missionary work. She told me last week that she felt called to go to Thailand but the only thing stopping her was finances. With finances being tight for me as well I wasn’t sure that I was the person that could help her. Later on in the evening though, this strong urge to want to help her out came into my mind and just could not be ignored. I needed to do something to encourage this lady and get her started on this calling of hers. After the bible study tonight, I said that I had an announcement and began to share this lady’s story and also to encourage others to give to her as well. If they give to her, they are actually giving to many, as this lady is going to have a huge impact on the women of Thailand, I just know it. I wouldn’t have done this if God hadn’t told me too, but he did. I’m so glad that he did too because I did not expect this lady to start crying as it had touched her more than I will ever know.

Afterwards the pastor (a man I truly look up to and have grown a deep grandfather-like love for) told me that my gift of boldness and the way I take initiative are great things that can be learned from everyone. He also said something along the lines of that it takes an American to come along and show laid-back-Canadians how to just go out and take the initiative and make things happen. As I was walking away he said some words that I could never forget, “THAT’S the kind of thing a preacher does!” What an encouragement this man has been in my life! I can’t believe I only have one more Sunday and one more Wednesday left with these people, and only one more week left with the family I am staying here with. It’s going to be so hard to say goodbye, I try not to think about it too much and just try to enjoy every moment I have left with all these wonderful souls I’ve connected with. I hope and pray that our paths meet again as it is a small world after all.

Despite me talking about just some of the encouragement I’ve received from people lately (because I don’t ever want to forget what God has in store for me), the main thing I took away from tonight is what the ultimate topic of what the pastor was talking about: the importance of prayer. If every single day we devoted a concrete time to get down on our knees and not only pray but cry out to God for a person to come to Him, then people’s life WOULD start changing. It is without a doubt the best thing we can ever do in regards to people’s salvation. I was reminded of how true that is when I realized one of the main reasons why I have been doing so well lately, people have been praying for me! One incredible man has even recently told me God led him to pray that he would carry my burdens. While he’s been having an extra hard time, I have been overcome with unexplainable joy. Even though that makes me feel a bit bad, it proves what incredible power prayer has! I hate to admit it but my prayer life is lacking quite a bit. I need to be constantly in conversation with God throughout the day while also setting aside time that I might usually be watching t.v. or facebooking, and devote it to prayer. I need to do this until I see the people I’m praying for fall to their knees in realization of the love their Father has for them.