New Life

I just did something earlier today that gave me the most interesting feeling. It left me feeling very vulnerable and yet relieved that I finally did it. I never thought I would feel this way after doing this. But it was so good for me. I just gave my testimony for the first time. I was invited to give my testimony by the pastor of a small community church called New Life here in Petawawa Canada. I was accompanied by the family that I nanny for (the mom and the two boys). It was a treat to have my two families I’ve made in Canada collide. Besides the little bit of butterflies I always get before public speaking (mainly my experience comes from my acting classes), I wasn’t nervous about the speaking part. I was nervous about the sharing part. I had a few note cards for references of the timeline of my life but for the most part I winged it (not what I originally wanted to do but I had faith God would tell me what to share). I began by letting people know that this is the first time I have ever shared my testimony and that I was about to tell them things that people close to me in my own life don’t even know. I knew that talking about my past would probably be a little emotional because I can’t even believe some of the pain I’ve been through and how different of a person I feel like now, but I did not expect to get a little choked up while speaking. I especially felt the tears in my eyes while the pastor was speaking about the potential he saw for my future, immediately following my testimony. I do not like to cry, especially not in front of others. I find at church though I am just an absolute cry baby. It used to be because of how guilty and ashamed I felt about the lifestyle I was living, but now it is because of the undeniable love and mercy God has for us. When I feel God’s presence, it’s hard not to cry because of His overwhelming power and holiness.

The interesting thing about this all is that I don’t think the pastor realized when he asked me to share my testimony, that a big part of my new life I now live, had a lot to do with coming to this particular church. As I looked in the audience towards the faces of the people who have took me in and spoke into my life, and even just greeted me week after week with a sincere hug, I told them how much they have had an impact on me. I was glad I got to express my gratitude towards these wonderfully kind people.

My favorite part through this experience was afterwards when people came up to me. They gave me encouragement to keep going forward and that things will only keep getting better and better from here. They related to me, one man even told me that our testimonies sounded almost identical. As the pastor hugged me while we were still on stage, he prophesied over me that I would do great things as a pastor/ evangelist/prophet and that I had this strong sense of fearlessness. Coming from having a lot of fears, I definitely agree that God has helped me to become fearless because now I can say I don’t really have that many fears. Which is how God’s children should live.

I thanked the pastor for the opportunity to share because I received so much encouragement, and this is actually a bigger step towards my future than most would realize. Wanting to become a speaker at churches, this is a small stepping stone into doing that.

I started off my first blog entry talking about becoming a more open person and sharing my past. That’s exactly what I have started doing, and it feels great. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My spirit feels free and there is no part of me that feels trapped from my past. I am no longer my past. I am not that person. I have declared it over myself, others have declared that over me, and most importantly God has declared that I am a new person. I feel like it’s so important that I can talk about my past now because now I can separate the person I’ve been to the person I am now. I went from pretty much no one knowing about my past, to sharing my life, sins and all, to a church of some good friends but mostly acquaintances and strangers. I am hesitant to post it on here though, as I would rather sit and share it in person. The next step is to share my testimony to first of all, my family. Then comes sharing with it my friends. Most importantly, I am going to have the opportunity to share it with many more people, believers and non-believers, who will be able to relate and hopefully be impacted by it.

Finally

Okay so here I go. I am writing and actually posting a blog. I don't even know how long I've wanted to do this. For at least a few years now. The same thing has always kept me back; Judgement. For the most part I like to be a private person and I keep my secrets and past, well, in the past. I like to keep a lot of aspects of my life to myself and only share bits and pieces with whom I choose. It's a problem really. And I was not aware it was a problem until very recently. I was out with a couple ladies I met at a small church in Petawawa Canada. We were coming back from a day trip in Ottawa. I was trying to soak up as much wisdom as possible especially since I knew this one lady was very good at reading people. I felt courageous enough to ask her to analyze me and basically point out my flaws. I was expecting something really bad because I can see my flaws very easily. Instead I got something along the lines of that something didn't add up with me. I seemed so outgoing but yet so secretive at the same time. It was then that my trust issues were revealed to me. She was saying it's not like I need to publicize my whole life and tell everyone my secrets but I need to find a trusted one or few to tell EVERYTHING too. Not just the bits and pieces I choose to tell different people. I would say I am pretty open with my parents and I would say that my dad knows what kind of person I am more than anyone else. However there are details about my past that I would say are not necessarily appropriate to share with my parents (although I think that they would disagree). I've only been so open to one person before. I was let down hugely in the end and my trust with most people was broken. I can't say it was all this person's fault as I was probably not meant to confide in him the way I did. I do have a history of being let down by people close to me and in return, I tend to do the same. I have felt horrible heartache from people who I trusted and loved. I have also tremendously hurt people close to me but I have learned from every experience so that doesn't happen again. I really need to realize that just because some people have let me down in that way does not mean all people will break my trust. One reason it's so hard to come clean is the fact that I am still very ashamed of the person I've been. I also do not like to be vulnerable. But I do believe that God is leading the right people into my life who I am suppose to confide in and possibly confide in some people I already know who I've been afraid to be open with before.

So back to this blog, another reason I have kept back from writing a public blog earlier is because I think people are too open about their life online and don't know how to be modest. Some people will share their most personal thoughts and it seems like it is just for the attention. I usually would only want to share with people who I can trust and WANT to hear. Although now I am becoming more open and honest about my life. I am owning up to my sins and I'm not afraid to share what I've had struggles with. The reason is because I believe that people can benefit from my mistakes. I can share what I've learned and give encouragement because I have most likely been there. One of my biggest passions in life is helping the broken hearted because I have a long history of emptiness, darkness, and loneliness.

 I am so sick of pretending to be something I'm not. I am okay with sharing my failures because it's a part of my past that has been a stepping stone into the stronger person I am today. There are few people on this earth who know what kind of person I truly am and currently there is no one on this earth who knows everything about me. This is going to start changing as God leads me to use wisdom as what to share to who. If you are reading this blog, I don't want this to be an excuse to getting to know me as there are a lot of things about me you could never learn from reading this online blog. I want people to still take the time and effort to understand and know me if they choose too. If you want to get a glimpse into a soul that is destined to live for the Lord, then I'd be more than happy to have you follow me on here as we go through the journey of life.